I'm Not Here, This Isn't Happening
An infinite journey through the five stages of acceptance.

Don’t forget to breathe


Bold what applies. Or even, not.

01. I have kissed someone of the same sex on the lips.

02. I have seen a therapist.

03. I love my mom.

04. I am drawn to things associated with sadness.

05. I have gauged ears.

06. I wear black eyeliner every day.

07. I am extremely influenced by kindness.

08. I love to write.

09. I can’t live without chapstick.

10. I’m probably emotionally scarred.

11. I lived in Tahoe.

12. I spend money I have.

13. I’ll be in college for over 4 years. 

14. I love designer handbags.

15. I’ve had a concussion before.

 16. I’m not good with confrontation.

17. I love the Backstreet Boys.

18. I have more than a couple horrible memories.

19. I’m addicted to Degrassi. 

20. I’ve tried writing poetry before.

21. My first kiss was unexpected.

22. I’m not a big fan of rap.

23. I love taking pictures.

24. I don’t like people who are fake.

25. I can be mean when I want to.

26. I love AFI.

27. I have kissed someone whose name starts with A.

28. I have way too many pairs of shoes.

29. I was into Hot Wheels as a child.

30. I dress how I feel that day.

31. My room is painted a color other than white.

32. I cry very easily.

33. I’m always late.

34. I rarely ever study for tests.

35. My birthday is my favorite holiday.

36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.

37. I am a morning person.

38. I wish I were smarter.

39. I believe that it is wrong to be gay.

40. I think it’s perfectly okay to be gay.

41. No one REALLY knows me well. 

42. I don’t have many bad hair days.

43. My hobby is to shop.

44. I am passionate about my interests.

45. I have had chicken pox.

46. I’m a hopeless romantic.

47. I feel empty sometimes.

48. I am/was most likely depressed at a point in my life.

49. I am no longer depressed.

50. I am a little outgoing. 

51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.

52. I can be very insecure.

53. I’ve been told I’m very soft-spoken.

54. I love the color pink.

56. I state the obvious.

57. I’m a happy person.

58. I have absolutely no self-confidence.

59. I’ve contemplated suicide.

60. I love cleaning my room.

61. I tend to get jealous sometimes.

62. I like to play video games.

63. I love John Mayer.

64. I get upset when I see an animal hurt and / or a person.

65. I’m a vegetarian or a vegan.

66. I’ve had a crush on a teacher before.

67. I am too forgiving.

68. I bite my nails sometimes.

69. I have a good sense of direction.

70. I’ve had a boyfriend/girlfriend before.

71. I have problems sleeping constantly.

72. I can function perfectly well without a girlfriend/boyfriend.

73. I love kisses on the forehead.

74. I love the color blue.

75. I don’t sew.

76. I am not addicted to drugs.

77. I wear contacts.

78. I hate it when people say they hate Bush because he is a moron.

79. I hate Bush.

80. I don’t take some criticism well.

81. Conformity is stupid.

82. Acting too rebelliously just to be different is stupid.

83. Usher is one of the sexiest men alive.

84. So is Conor Oberst. (I’m not sure what I’m agreeing to here, but…)

85. I like my family even though sometimes we may fight.

86. I don’t mind getting shots.

87. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things.

88. I’ve wanted to play the drums one point in time.

89. I play the guitar.

90. I’m probably going to have/already have had premarital sex. 

91. I have had Mono.

92. I am semi-religious.

93. I still act like a little kid.

94. I am ridiculously indecisive about some things.

95. I believe in some form of an afterlife.

96. I love music.

97. I’ve betrayed someone I consider a close friend.

98. I have problems letting go of people.

99. Jesse Lacey writes some of the most amazing lyrics ever.

100. I don’t really like ice cream.

101. I have freckles.

102. My birthday is in December.

103. Vincent Perez is pretty.

104. I like older guys like a few years.

105. I’ve gotten in numerous fights.

106. I get bored very easily.

107. My parents are divorced. 

108. I don’t even know what my natural hair color is anymore.

109. I get really anxious in big crowds of unfamiliar people. 

110. I am one of the youngest people in my grade.


I could learn photography. That could be something to want. I could photograph children. I could have my own children. I would give them yellow roses. And if they got too loud, I would just put them some place quiet. Put them in the oven. I would kiss them every day, and tell them you don’t have to be anybody, because I would know that being somebody doesn’t make you anybody anyway…

I could learn photography. That could be something to want. I could photograph children. I could have my own children. I would give them yellow roses. And if they got too loud, I would just put them some place quiet. Put them in the oven. I would kiss them every day, and tell them you don’t have to be anybody, because I would know that being somebody doesn’t make you anybody anyway…




“It’s music just for your heart, nothing else.”


“…with nothing to go back to, we just continue to drive.”

“…with nothing to go back to, we just continue to drive.”


We made love tonight. I kept my nightgown on, as usual. I always wait for him to undress me, but he never does.


When I was a little kid, I used to draw all the time. I was pretty good too, in a predictable, unimaginative kind of way. It used to drive my mom crazy. “Why is your sun always yellow and your sky always blue or gray and your grass green and your people clean and smiling?” she’d ask. “Where is your imagination?” I told her that was it; that was my imaginary world. A place where the sky was always blue and the sun was shining, and where people were happy and smiling. (I wasn’t that bothered by the grass; green seemed the obvious choice.) I knew perfectly well that in reality the sky was black and the sun was an angry orange, and people walked with their heads down so you didn’t see if they were smiling or crying.

When I was a little kid, I used to draw all the time. I was pretty good too, in a predictable, unimaginative kind of way. It used to drive my mom crazy. “Why is your sun always yellow and your sky always blue or gray and your grass green and your people clean and smiling?” she’d ask. “Where is your imagination?” I told her that was it; that was my imaginary world. A place where the sky was always blue and the sun was shining, and where people were happy and smiling. (I wasn’t that bothered by the grass; green seemed the obvious choice.) I knew perfectly well that in reality the sky was black and the sun was an angry orange, and people walked with their heads down so you didn’t see if they were smiling or crying.


“Please remember me, my misery, and how it lost me all I wanted.”

“Please remember me, my misery, and how it lost me all I wanted.”


Something’s missing.

Something’s missing.


None of us can deal with what is happening.

None of us can deal with what is happening.


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